Category: Parenting

As a parenting educator for more than 25 years, I’ve had many opportunities to observe and listen to parents in action. During this time I’ve learned some valuable lessons about raising children and managing families.

Usually, my advice is positive in that I try to focus on what you should being doing as a parent. Maintaining forward momentum has always been my aim. However it helps sometimes to be reminded of some of the behaviours we should stop or do less of, if we are to raise autonomous, emotionally-smart citizens of the future.

Here are some parenting behaviours you may consider stopping or doing less of, together with replacement behaviour as well:

Doing too much

Kids need to learn to fend for themselves and stand on their own two feet. Independence is the aim for parents. Learn to delegate.

Winning arguments

The need to win arguments and prove that you are right harms relationships and creates fertile ground for conflict. Focus on the things that matter.

Expecting too little

Expectations are tricky. Too high and kids can give up. Too low and kids will meet them. Pitch them at their own abilities and their developmental age.

Speaking when angry

Speaking tends to be a default mechanism regardless of your emotional state. When you’re angry kids don’t listen. They pick up your venom but not your words. Choose the time and the place to speak to kids.

Believing everything your children say

As loving parents we want to trust our children and believe everything they tell us. Children are faulty observers and frequently only see one side of an issue. Help children process what happens to them and see issues from every side.

After reviewing this list, for those of you who still aren’t sure what to stop, there is one habit that I’ve seen take precedence over all of the others. You may be part of the majority of people who partake in this bad habit. What is the number one problem of the successful parents I’ve worked with over the years? It is doing too much for their kids.

It’s difficult preparing children for the world of work as the future is so uncertain. However, the ability to lead others is one attribute that will always be in demand regardless of whether your child works for a large employer, in small business, community work, is self-employed or engages in project work.

The need for leadership skill development has never been greater. Initiative, innovation and resilience is the currency of the workforce of the future. These leadership skills are best fostered from an early age at home, which will give them a head start at school.

After working in the student leadership area for many years I’ve identified five skills and traits that form the building blocks for future leadership, which can be promoted easily by parents at home. I’ve included them below with tips how to put each into practice.

Responsibility

Being a leader means that your child is willing to take responsibility and be accountable for their actions. Personal responsibility is shown when your child is accountable for their behaviour, for their belongings and for the welfare of others. Practical ways to develop responsibility include:

• Giving them responsibility for a certain part of their day such as getting themselves out of bed each morning
• Encouraging them to restore relationships with others including siblings when they mess up
• Taking responsibility for household chores including resolving problems if they forget to do them

Communication

The ability to clearly get a message across to others is common among effective leaders. While most leadership positions require your child to speak publicly, their communication skills can be developed through regular one-on-one or small group experiences at home and at school. Practical ways to develop your child’s communication skills include:

• One-on-one conversations with adults about a wide variety of issues and topics
• Regular discussions at the meal table where kids learn to share their thoughts, listen to others and report on events of the day
• Encourage your child to participate fully in speaking activities at school such as daily news time, class and school plays and debate

Organisation

The ability to organise yourself and others is central to effective leadership. Thinking what needs to be done, planning ahead and making time are basic organisational skills at the heart of personal effectiveness and leadership. Practical ways to develop organisational skills include encouraging your child to:

• Keep their personal space including their bedroom tidy and organised
• Use a diary to help manage their time
• Organise a weekly chores roster including all members of the family

Teamwork

Cooperating, encouraging and acceptance of others are essential qualities of an effective leader. A family is a great place to develop a sense of teamwork in kids as it naturally requires kids to compromise for the sake of keeping the peace. Practical ways to develop a sense of teamwork include:

• Encouraging kids to share their time, possessions and spaces with other family members
• Practise teamwork at home by encouraging siblings to cook and do other chores together
• Emphasise the role of being part of a team by focusing on your child’s contribution to a team or group rather than individual achievementDiscuss emotions of characters in books, television programs and movies. “How you think that character felt when he was he was rejected by his friends?”

Leaders are needed in all walks of life – at work, in school, in families, in sport and in the wider comity. The skills of leadership are best developed in the first groube a contributing, responsible, caring family member you will be going a long way toward developing their innate leadership capabilities.

How can two or three children in the same family be so different? They are brought up in the same broad social environment, under a similar set of rules and an identical family value system. Even with a same genetic pool, they can still be so different in personality, interests and achievement.

It is useful to look at how a child’s position in the family impacts on their development. The position a child has in their family is a predictor only of personality, but a powerful predictor nonetheless. It is definitely a factor that parents need to consider as we look for ways to raise happy, well-adjusted and confident children.

The birth order layer

There’s a rich vein of information about each child at your fingertips that’s often unrecognised or ignored by adults. Birth order knowledge adds a wonderful layer to your understanding of what makes kids tick, and how you should parent. Let’s look at some of the characteristics of each of the birth order layers.

The first born child

First borns are born into a treasured yet pressured position. They are usually the objects of great delight in a family. Parents and grandparents often overdo everything with first borns. They are the centre of attention, which is an obvious plus if you are a first-born child.

The flipside to this adulation is that first borns are coached, prodded and pushed to perform. The expectations are high for first borns, so pressure is something they know all about. They fear failure, so they often steer away from areas where they can’t excel. They tend to narrow their options by sticking to the safest path.

First borns spend more of their time with adults and learn more from adults than subsequent children in the family. Spending more time around adults lends itself to high quality language development.

Unhappy with ‘dethronement’ (the arrival of another child), the first born child does everything their power to retain the favoured first position. They will go to great lengths to impress upon their parents the second born’s shortcomings. The arrival of another sibling also typically brings about added responsibility to the first born.

First borns are pioneers for parents and for any children that follow. Parents are usually hardest on their first borns in terms of discipline and they loosen up as they move further down the family.

Tips for parenting first born children

• Encourage rather than criticise
• Flaunt your imperfections
• Give them some special privileges that go with being the eldest

To find out a whole lot more about first born children, including the three main types, characteristics, traits and more, grab a copy of the book Why first borns rule the world and last ones want to change it.

The second or middle child

Second or middle born children are casualties of bad timing. Born too late to get the perks, privileges and adoration of being born first and born too early to get the easy ride that youngest receive, middles often feel squeezed between these two siblings and wonder “Why me?” or “It’s not fair!”.

The positive side to middle born children is that as they are squeezed between two siblings, they become strong and vocal negotiators, and generally develop an adept set of people skills for outside of the family circle. Middle children tend to spend more time with children that aren’t in their family, to avoid the frustration of being an outsider in the family. They subsequently end up with more friends and social connections than their elder siblings.

Middle-born children have expectations grounded in reality, which gives them a significant lead in the resilience stakes over their siblings. They are generally more independent and mentally tougher than any other birth position. While this is a positive characteristic, middle borns are the people least likely to reach out for help when they need it. They are also renowned for being secretive, confiding in friends more than family members about their joys and problems. They learn early in life to play their cards close to their chest as they can get burned when insensitive siblings have access to their feelings.

Youngest children

Youngest children often experience a more relaxed parenting style so we often have to put pressure on them to do their best.

Youngest children in the family are typically charmers and manipulators. They love to get their own way – and they invariably do. They are in the fortunate position of having a sibling break their parents in for them and they don’t have the pressures of the first born.

Youngest are often babied, spoiled, affectionate, outgoing and uncomplicated. The pressure is off the last borns in terms of having to meet their parents’ high expectations so they are more likely to achieve in their own ways. Creative, artistic pursuits tend to be filled with last born children.

One of the traits many last borns share is persistence. They learn when they are young that if they persist with what they want they will outlast their siblings and wear their parents down eventually. Persistence is a characteristic that pays off for this group.

Last borns tend to be more impetuous – they act now and worry about the repercussions later. The positive is that they are more likely to stretch themselves and try new experiences than their siblings.

Last borns can appear a little self-centred, which is probably due to the fact that they tend to do less at home to help others. There are bigger, more capable siblings at home to take all the responsibilities so youngest children can easily grow up with an ‘I’m here to be served’ attitude. It is important to give youngest borns plenty of opportunities to help around the home.

Our choice of words when communicating with kids makes a huge difference when trying to get their co-operation. The more we push a child who is resistant, the more likely they are to push back and display greater opposition.

Sometimes one word can cause a child to fold their arms and thrust out their jaw in ‘you-can’t make-me’ defiance. Let’s take a look at some words that invite resistance, especially from strong-willed children who like to have their own way.

Resistance words

• Must – for example “You must be on time!”
• Never – for example “You should never be rude to your teacher.”
• Always – for example “You should always clean your teeth before bed.”
• You – for example “You need to go to bed now!”
• Don’t – for example “Don’t yell at your brother.”

Why they invite resistance

‘Must’, ‘Never’ and ‘Always’ are absolute terms. They cannot be modified in any way. Absolute terms invite resistance from children and young people who do not like to be told what to do. Strong-willed children and young people often view these terms as open invitations to resist. If you have more than one child there is a good chance you have one of these children. If you were to say ” You must be nice to your brother”, a young resister thinks “We’ll see about that”.

Healthy alternatives

To help with this, you can replace absolute terms with more moderate alternatives that don’t back a child into a corner. For example:

• Try “Please be on time” rather than “You must be on time.”
• Try “It’s best to be polite to your teacher” rather than “You should never be rude to your teacher.”
• Try “Clean your teeth before bed” rather “You should always clean your teeth before bed.”

Let them know what you will do

Many children do not like to be told what they should do. They like to think they are calling the shots. These children are not misbehaving – they just want to feel that they are in control. Which means sometimes, their instinct to resist becomes greater than their desire to follow. Instead of telling your child what to do, let your child know what you will do. It’s a subtle but powerful shift. For example:

• Try “I’m saying good night now” rather than “Go to bed now.”
• Try “I’ll put the meal on the table when it’s set” rather than “Set the table!”
• Try “I’m driving you to school at 8.30” rather than “Get ready by 8.30.”

You need to follow through if this is to be an effective use of language.

Avoid ending an instruction on a negative

Ending an instruction on a negative only drives the negative behaviour deeper into the sub-conscious mind of your child. Saying “Don’t yell at your brother” will ensure that your child will keep yelling again and again.  Instead, say the behaviour you’d like in positive terms. For example say: “Speak quietly to your brother” rather than “Don’t yell at your brother.” If you can’t eradicate “Don’t” then develop the habit of ending on a positive. For example: “Don’t yell at your brother. Speak quietly.”

Words matter

Your choice of words makes a huge difference in terms of getting co-operation from more challenging kids.

Of course, some parents believe that their kids should always do as they say, so their language is peppered with absolutes and negatives. This invites resistance and can lead to an ongoing battle between parents and children. If this is the case, then maybe the language you use could benefit from a little tweak.

Three-year-old Sam was tired and cranky. He refused his mother’s request to put his plate in the sink after a snack.

Elsa, Sam’s mother, who was usually quite firm didn’t insist that her son comply. She knew that when her son got into ‘one of those moods’ it was best to leave him alone.

“You’ve got to pick your battles,” said an exasperated Elsa to the other parents in the room.

She also added, “You’ve got to pick the timing of your battles.” Tired and emotional kids are incapable of processing what a parent is saying. Reason goes out the window.

This was a smart piece of parenting by Elsa. She could have easily locked herself into a battle of wills with her son, but it would have been a fairly pointless exercise. She may have won the battle, but at the cost of an agitated son and ongoing resentment.

Is winning your aim?

Often the battles we have with kids are about bigger issues such as power (“You should do as I say!”) and control (“This is the way things should be.”) rather than immediate issues such as cleanliness and tidiness. Good sense goes out the window when we get locked into disputes with children.

Do you choose the right time?

Like all parents, Elsa wants to develop good habits in her child, but wisely she picks the time and place to do so. The best time for productive teaching and habit-forming is when parents and kids are fresh and on good terms. Spending enjoyable one-on-one time with kids is such a wonderful opportunity for relationship-building and teaching.

What battles do you pick?

The battles you have with your children reveal a great deal about your parenting values.  If you find that you stand your ground over a child’s disrespectful behaviour toward a sibling or friend then respect is a strong value you hold. If you always insist that your child uses good manners even when they are tired, then fair treatment and good manners are strongly held values. If you insist that your child is kind and generous to others, and you find yourself bristling at their selfishness, then generosity is more than likely a trait you value highly. We tend to fight hard for the values that we hold dearly, and become upset when our kids don’t follow suit.

Do you sweat the small stuff?

Sometimes children and young people can display a multitude of annoying behaviours and attitudes when going through difficult times. For instance, a young person may leave their bedroom messy, repeatedly sleep in, pick fights with siblings, continually argue with their parents and always come home late from school. If a parent fights with their child over everything then they are in for an emotionally draining time and a deterioration in their relationship. It would be better to ignore most of the minor misbehaviours and focus on the more significant behaviours such as how a young person treats others.

If, for instance, a young person continually swears at and is critical of a younger sibling, would you pick up on the swearing or the put down? I’d suggest that the put down is far more harmful than swearing and should be the focus of your attention. Often, we focus on the minor stuff at the expense of the more significant issues because it’s easier and less stressful that way.

Do you avoid all battles?

As much as we’d like always to maintain good relationships with our children, this doesn’t have to come at the expense of good child-rearing. The parent who never goes into battle with their children is generally not doing them any favours. This is known as the Laissez-faire or permissive approach where parents are high on relationship-building and low on firmness and boundaries. It’s far better for kids if you adopt a collaborative or authoritative approach where there’s a healthy mix of relationship-building and firmness. Parents who use this approach are generally adept at picking their battles, specifically those that should be ignored and those that are worth spending time and energy on. They also have spent a great deal of time building up enough goodwill with their kids that enables them to survive disagreements that they may have.

So, pick your battles wisely. Avoid using up energy and goodwill by fighting with kids over minor stuff, or when they are obviously tired and cranky. On the other hand, make sure you pick them up on the really important stuff regardless of their moods, which is where your parenting values come in.

When it comes to family life, everyone strives to figure out how the relationship between parents and children can become ideal. Positive parenting techniques work well for raising children with discipline and good moral values, and are every parents’ dream. However, it is not an easy feat. And it is important to know that the parent child relationship is a two-way street, in other words, it is actually a partnership between a parent and their child.

A garden with different flowers becomes beautiful when it blossoms. Similarly, if parents learn how to be a ‘gardener’ and are able to recognize their child’s personality and nourish it, then their ‘garden’ will become fragrant! This is what positive parenting is all about!

When parents develop effective parenting skills, they are able to take the initiative in filling the generation gap. When parents start to understand the balance of where to place boundaries, where to encourage, and where to discourage, then their children will not get spoiled. In this way they become good parents. When people do not know how to be a good parent, distance between the two develops.

“Every young adult has the potential power to help the entire world. He just needs the right guidance and support,” says Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan.

With proper understanding, youth can also strengthen their relationship with their parents.

With an aim to offer an in-depth, complete understanding of today’s youth, ParamPujyaDada Bhagwanhas revealed how to raise a child and teenager with pure love and equanimity, so that they blossom in all fields of life. He has given positive parenting solutions for instilling moral values, good manners, and discipline, which work even during adolescence.

Read on to get a clear understanding of how to be a better parent using these effective parenting tips.

When it comes to purchasing a baby’s skincare products, no mother can settle for less than the best ones. Most new parents mechanically buy baby care products that their respective families have been using for centuries to avoid any troubles.

However, in the past few years, consumers have evolved, and they are cautious of the ingredients that brands are using, especially when it comes to products for their newborn babies. This tendency has further catapulted the baby care market’s growth with the emergence of more reliable brands offering safe products.
Spoilt For Choice!

Walking into a baby care products aisle, you will come across numerable products. The idea is to find one that is safe and most-suited for your child. The devil lies in the details and therefore, it is important to turn around the products to analyse the ingredients gone into making those products. Here are some tips to identifying some of the fundamental baby care products basis their ingredients:
Baby Wipes

These are essential in maintaining basic hygiene and are used on the baby’s skin more than anything else. To ensure you don’t accidentally expose your baby’s sensitive skin to harmful chemicals, chose wipes that don’t have any artificial scent and are water-based. The fabric used in the wet wipes is likely to be a cause of rashes and irritate baby’s sensitive skin because of its chemical process formation. You can easily find wipes that are water-based and made of plant-based natural fabric.
Massage Oils

It is best to go for Ayurvedic baby oils for various benefits. The use of elements such as shankhpushapi, ashwagandha, durva, tagar, tamalpatra, walnut, orange, etc promotes bone and muscle health. Ayurvedic oils are also known to protect baby’s skin against any skin issues and reverses any previous damage.
Baby Creams

Creams play a pivotal role in providing and locking-in the optimum level of moisture in a baby’s skin. Anything that is applied to the skin is sure to get absorbed by the skin as well. Therefore, it is crucial to choose creams that are made with elements such as aloe vera, shea butter, beeswax, coconut oil, jojoba oil, Rice bran oil, apricot oil, etc. Use of food-grade and natural preservatives is normal in such creams. However, stay away from the creams that mention the presence of preservatives without revealing their names.
Detergent Powder

It is essential to use special detergent powder to wash your baby’s clothes. Detergents available in general can leave behind strong odour and elements in baby’s clothes that can irritate the skin and cause rashes. Baby detergent and cleansers made with bio enzymes work the best. Elements such as neem, aloe vera, eucalyptus and mild lemon are best to clean clothes thoroughly and avoid skin irritation